Your EFT Discussion Forum Community | Guilt and Eating

My name is Jessica and my issues with my weight have gotten progressively worse as each day goes by.  I just recently turned 30 and I thought if I embraced this new chapter in my life that my problem would dissolve with my new found confidence, but unfortunately I am not able to follow through with what I originally wanted for my 30's.  I am 5'9'' and the last time I was weighted at the doctors about 5 months ago was 123lbs.  At that point I felt somewhat descent about myself but was still pushing to get my body as slim and fit as I possibly could…poking and prauding at every bit of fat that I found on my body. I am not strong enough it weigh myself at this point because even if I went up 2lbs I will end up doing something even more unhealthy for my body and deprive myself of food all together; and I don't want that.  Even saying that makes me feel like a crazy person. I stare at myself in the mirror after I've gotten out of the shower and I'm disgusted by any fat, even my boobs..how ridiculous is that?

I am at a point now that I am scared for myself and I'm embarrassed to even eat in front of my friends and family knowing that they are just hoping I will sneak in a pretzel or bite of pizza b/c the only thing I allow myself to eat are vegetables and leafy greens.  I'm not uneducated on health and fitness..I know what I am doing is extremely unhealthy for my body.  I continue to work out and eat extreme low calorie foods but it's a non-stop battle every day with my brain telling me that I'm weak and have no control over putting things in my body.  I wake up every morning and it's the first damn thing that pops in my brain, and that alone makes me disgusted.  

I've always been fairly thin but as of about 3 years ago, I went from a size 6 to now a size 0-2; and now I am constantly craving to see my body change for the better. Why? Why can't I just except that I'm small and be happy.  I have a happy life, great husband and amazing son.  I have great friends and a twin sister that is so worried about me that she gets herself so upset when I vent about my problem.  

I'm at a crossroad right now and I keep struggling between trying to battle this disorder myself or if I just suck it up and go talk to a "professional" who I don't really believe at this point will change my thought process for me.  I'm just sort of lost right now and I don't want to get worse.

I don't have anyone I can talk to about this that doesn't think I'm a crazy person and I would love any feedback I can get.